Well, considering I have this huge protruding belly carrying a tiny little human (who feels more the size of a baby elephant when moving, let's be real), what else is on my mind a lot than babies? As I've been counting down the weeks, it's soon to be counting down the days. Yesterday I pulled out my meticulously organized baby boy clothes from last time and they were just so
tiny compared to my huge chunky monkey of a toddler in his 2T clothes. It got real. Really real. Taking those clothes out, looking them over, deciding which should be his "first" outfit was exhilarating! It also made the nesting bug bite again. I've got the various rooms and cabinets organized how I want them, but after the reality hitting me that this little boy would be here
soon made me want to get some more done. I've got a nice freezer stash, I've washed sheets and had my handy man set up the new cosleeper, so I decided some deep cleaning ought to fit the bill.
So this morning after our relaxed and lovely routine (about to be derailed by the baby train) of packing daddy's lunch, making breakfast, eating together, reading the bible and singing, I packed 2nd Samuel's new to him cat in the cat back pack and off he went to grandma's house to play for the half day. And so began the task of deep cleaning my kitchen, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and cleaning in general. Special request made by Samuel was to have the fridge cleaned was even completed. It's such a satisfying feeling to work and finish what you start out doing. 2nd Samuel came home, it was nap time, and then I get a text from my midwife asking if she can come to the home visit early, meaning no nap for me.
All of a sudden pregnancy wear and tear hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything hurt, everything ached, I was exhausted, pregnant bodies can't lean and clean and rub and scrub in weird positions like non-pregnant bodies. But the show must go on, so we had a wonderful visit and I found out the baby had moved half way to where he needs to be (he's halfway posterior?), progress! And then sheer exhaustion again, fussy toddler, zero motivation or energy. 2nd Samuel has definitely gotten immensely clingy these last weeks of pregnancy, and being away from mommy half the day made for tears over nothing and needing mommy close. Ah well, then dinner. Who wants to cook dinner anyway? Not this lady. But then I think of my hard working husband, how hungry he'll be. Then I think of real food, how delicious it is (as opposed to a PB&J, am I right?). Then I lean on God's strength when I am weak, and muster up all the motivation I can, because even though my tank is running on empty, I am still
capable of cooking dinner, whereas in a few weeks I'll be recovering from the miracle of natural child birth (not so capable), so I get up and cook a yummy meal I've been thinking about for 2 weeks now. And the raw foods. Has anyone else seen Food Matters, the documentary? Raw is important. Some nights cooking food is as good as it gets. But I feel so much better eating salads, and my man loves his salads. So out comes my sheer gratitude to the friend who dropped off some trader joes ready made salad bags, throw in a few farmers market veggies, and viola, delicious raw salad. But, then I see the green beans, yummy locally grown green beans, the stuff that bursts with flavor from being picked only a few days ago. Yup, throw 'em in some bacon grease and you have a winner! Meanwhile all this food motivation is dampened by a toddler who cries because he dropped green beans and I asked him to pick them up. A toddler who cried because the overwhelming task of cleaning up toys and books before dinner. We were definitely on the same emotional wave-length tonight, sheer exhaustion on all fronts, emotional and physical. And instead of letting my emotions rule me, I cry out to the Holy Spirit to give me patience and teach my child the same. And you know what? He did. Oh how gracious our Lord is in our weakest moments. Together we cleaned up those toys, encouraging him in the midst of his not wanting to do those things, in the midst of my not wanting to do those things, working together, overcoming the flesh together, and learning to discipline ourselves, even when it's not easy. But the serious parenting moment came when I told my precious son that I expected him to not fuss or cry at the dinner table, that we would have a pleasant and cheerful dinner together (daddy was working late). And you know what? We did. It was cheerful. What is cuter than a 20 month old boy who is "mmming" as he eats the food you concocted? (:
Then came the zero motivation to go take my evening walk. Ugh, Houston humidity is not conducive to getting out the door, let me tell you. But I feel better when I walk. So I think of this baby, I think of all these little things, eating well, preparing the house, doing small physical things like walking, stretches, etc., which are all a part of getting ready for labor and beyond. So I do it. You know what, it was not as humid as it was yesterday! The first few minutes tears well up in my eyes and all I want to do is go lie down on the couch, but then I see my son pushing that stroller and his chubby legs pumping as fast as he can go, his smile of sheer delight, and I can't help but smile, and thank the Lord for the joy and encouragement He has placed before me. I have my ladies Skype bible study to attend, but my phone won't connect me to the call. I try and get on, the dog goes crazy, the toddler starts crying, and I am just needing to go inside to get on the computer... not good. Samuel is home, he takes the boy, disciplines the dog, and I go inside to a messy table, tiny full pregnant bladder and sigh. Clean the table, use the toilet, get on skype. More fussy toddler, but daddy cares for him. I was able to connect with some precious like-minded saints of Jesus Christ tonight despite all the set backs, all the exhaustion, and all the roadblocks.
And this was just today!!! These last couple weeks have had days like today. Zero energy or motivation, or both, to get the daily things done. But I know it will be worth it to save all those freezer meals for the changes a 2nd child will bring. I know the pregnancy aches that make sleep and comfort elusive will be exchanged for a tiny newborn crying at all hours and nursing at all hours keeping me from sleep. Nobody said being pregnant was glamorous, nobody said it was easy. But what it
is is an unspeakable joy and privilege to nurture and grow a tiny human inside your body! That the Creator and God of the universe chose me to be a mother, to give me a child, and to give me the knowledge, compassion, and love for this little on yet unborn, that is something truly amazing. Some days may be hard, but knowing the sacrifices are for a helpless little baby make it more than worth it, it is humbling.
And then the sheer horror of hearing and reading about Planned Parenthood murdering tiny babies and literally selling their body parts?! Unfathomable. Wicked. It is a tragic horrifying reality no matter what, but one that hits me right in the deepest heart of me, for I carry a child inside my womb, a real human being, a life, an eternal soul of immense value for he is made in the image of God... and I can't wrap my head around those who literally do not care about that kind of life. On top of that, instead of throwing a life away, some sick and depraved people are literally keeping body parts for a profit. How grotesque can one get? I am reminded of a few verses in light of this darkness:
"That which has been is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which it may be said, “See, this is new”? It has already been in ancient times before us." Eccl 1:9-10
"For their feet run to evil, And they make haste to shed blood." Proverbs 1:16
"Their feet run to evil, And they make haste to shed innocent blood; Their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; Wasting and destruction are in their paths." Isaiah 59:7
Wicked people have always done wicked things, this is not new, but it is still unspeakably evil. This is just a repackaged medically sanitized way of shedding innocent blood in the name of "women's rights", what about the human rights of the unborn? Oh how my soul grieves for those children who never see the light of God's creation due to the choices of their mother, one who is supposed to cherish and nurture them, even when it is hard, who instead choose death and destruction. When you have no standard for morality, all things go. God's word is the standard for morality, no human can ever authoritatively make up a morality.
And so, in my honesty of the evening, I do not pretend that pregnancy is easy, for the sorrows and pains of this life are a result of sin and the fall of man, but children are a blessing. As I listened to a sermon earlier while cleaning by Joe Morecraft, he addresses this very point, yes there is a curse, but children are not the curse, that is the blessing in the midst of it all. I have hard days, days where I cry and tell my husband I am just ready to meet this little guy and have pregnancy finished. But in the midst of it all, I know in the ordinary moments of day to day life, I can rest, trust, lean, and depend upon my God to sustain me, to keep His promises, to find joy in His redemption, and know He will give me the strength I need for another moment. In motherhood I have found the words "I need Thee every hour" to be so sweet and so true. Sometimes it is a moment by moment thing. The joys outweigh the hard moments, and the joyful moments far outnumber the hard moments. With the Holy Spirit of God living inside me, I know that the tears may last for the night, but joy always comes. I want to model that to my sons, that even when life is not easy, it is good being a child of God.
And also, God's good gifts help too, like chocolate. Yes, chocolate helps those long hard days. (;
There is something incredible about laboring and going through the hardest physical event in my life and then those sweet blissful moments immediately after as you look into those tiny little eyes. There is no way to describe it, words cannot contain the love that wells up in this momma's heart. But there certainly are physiological explanations of the rush of the "love" hormone as your baby is born. Love indeed! Oh sweet baby love. It really is a thing. With 2015, I am braver. I am less afraid. I am proud of the fact that I had another home birth, My boys are the most beautiful gifts God has ever given us, and to have that beauty magnified and intensified by a natural birth, in my own home, with the most amazing birth team (Paula Davis, Leah Larson, Dawn Housos, and Lisa Rutledge!!), is something I never knew I had the strength to go through and finish, It is absolutely worth it.
2015 has been both empowering through the healing and strength of Jesus Christ, and humbling knowing how weak and feeble I am apart from that source of strength. I know who I am, and I am His. I know that this life He has given me is both beautiful and worth every hard decision I have made. I would not be who I am without what He has had me walk through. And so I smile. So I laugh. 2nd Samuel has such an infectious laugh and I am letting go more and more to have that hearty laughter erupt from deep within me. To let the joy overflow, to enjoy the moments, to enjoy the days, to enjoy what God has given me. Truly I am so undeserving of two such precious little gifts. But being a mom of two is harder, and there have been days when I would cry, get stressed out, get overwhelmed at how tedious and time consuming everything would take, and let Satan steal my joy. And I realized, I really don't have it as together as I thought. Why would I be crazy enough to miss the special moments with my two little boys, yes they grow so fast, but the hours go SO. SLOW. God has humbled me, I cannot do everything I thought I ought. Instead I had to apologize to some and say, "I just can't do that right now, I don't have time." Because my time should be filled with a laughing baby who coos with delight just when I smile and say "Hi!", and with moments of "Another book?!" from an energetic boy who just wants, "Momma lap!", and brings the books to pile on, to snuggle longer, and teach him how things work. Yes, slowing down, organizing, reassessing, and being honest have made the days so abundant. This Christian life, living in accordance with God's word, it doesn't always come easy, but it comes with the help of the Holy Spirit of God sanctifying, molding, shaping, humbling, and making me more like Christ. And how can I be purified unless the fire rages? It brings out the impurity I never even knew was there, that sin lurking, that joy stealing.
And so I have a 4 1/2 month old who is cutting two teeth, What?! And a two year old who loves helping momma, who loves sharing his favorite toys with his brother, and who loves all things tractors, backhoes, and even books. But TWO. How can he be TWO already?! I know exactly where the time is going. It is going into teaching, loving, nurturing, and shaping the eternal soul of not just one, but now two, little boys. My time is in serving. My life is serving King Jesus, my family, His people, the lost and broken, and doing so with joy, pure joy.
